2018 That Ended A Cycle

For those who have known me for the past nineteen years, I was living in a constant, vicious circle of pain and then fatigue, then the fatigue would cause pain and so on.  All this was a result of trauma to my lower back.  I won’t say how, but it was at no fault of my own.  This experience left me with emotional fear which is still with me, after all these years.

However, after nineteen years since my back surgery in October, my thirst for life has returned.  Although I have been unwell for the past few weeks, I still can think ahead (well a bit ahead).  I can attend family events at night during the warmer months, I can go to concerts after a long day without suffering badly the day afterwards.

I have dreams that I won’t be able to fulfil still (mainly due to my age…haha… and fatigue), but I’m ok with that.  I think Russell Brand or Bruce Springsteen (good old Russell… if he wasn’t married…  I’d write something like “email me Russell!”) said, if you are contributing to society you’re doing your job…  I think that’s what he or Bruce said in their Netflix’s specials.  My memory is still crap from the drugs I’ve taken for years.  By the way, the weening off these meds is fun…  SAID NOBODY EVER! So sorry Russell and Bruce (Bruce is my idol; spiritually and for his work ethic) for not remembering who said what, but I inspire to be like those types of people.

I think I will carry my fears forever and will have panic attacks whenever I get into situations that trigger them.  I have acknowledged their causes and understanding what I can do in that moment.  It’s amazing, I still have the fight or flight instinct and luckily, I can calm down myself to turn on my chair and drive to where I feel safe in spite my disability.  But I don’t have the constant reminder of my past life anymore.  (By the way, if anyone tells you to just “let it go, move on”, they never will understand how you feel.  OR, in other words, they need a punch in the face as one of my younger sisters says!)

My gorgeous nephews and nieces make living all worth it.  My aim is to make it to each 21st, and as you can see we have two little bubby girls in the family now, so I will be hanging around for another twenty-one years!

Thanks for reading my ramblings this year! I wish you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and safe 2019!

 

A Life-Changer Procedure

I’ve been quiet for a couple of months because I was gearing up for two operations and they ended up being just under a month apart. Then after the second op I got bronchitis which I’m still getting over but I’m much better than I was thanks to some superdooper antibiotics.

Thanks to my Neurologist (and pain specialist) we can manage my nerve pain after he nd him team inserted electrodes in my coccyx and under the skin in my lower back. It’s called a stimulator, I’ve had an occipital nerve stimulator to control headaches for about twelve years now and it works. My Neurologist attempted to insert electrodes into my spine about six years ago. It was extremely traumatic for him and I as I had to be awake for most of the procedure because if he was able to get in, I was to be able to tell him if the stimulation was going down my legs. Unfortunately that time wasn’t meant to be. But I’m wrapped to say this time he was successful and now we can get rid of Mr Zappy (the zapping pain that ran up my left leg), Mr Shitty (sciatica in my right leg) and lower back pain with a remote.

As my Neuro once explained it to me, if you bang your knee and then rub it, your brain will sense the rubbing sensation and forget about the pain. So my occipital nerve stimulator and now spinal stimulator sends electric pulses to the areas and my brain forgets about the pain. For five days I had zappy in one toe due to coughing (we didn’t know I had bloody bronchitis then), so I had a foot massage and until yesterday I didn’t had constant Zappy (one or two here and there but it immediately stopped). Yesterday morning was the first real test as I had two huge zaps. Mum adjusted the stimulator with the remote and I could enjoy an overdue birthday lunch with Nan.

So now we can look forward to the future with myself on less or no medications (I’ve been on a crapload for years and it has made me forgetful and dopey). I might even start interviewing artists again (I’ve had many people say I have to interview “Rob Rob” aka Rob Thomas), but I haven’t decided what’s next for me yet. I’m really interested in website design and social media marketing also. Overseas travelling is one of Mum and my goals, but you need money for that. Haha!

Looking From The Outside

If you look at me from the outside
You might assume she just sits at her computer achieving nothing,
Looking at my spamsing body
You might be fooled into assuming this,
And I don’t make a contribution to the society…
This couldn’t be further from the truth. ‘

Even though I have had more bad days than good in the past few years,
Until this February I prided myself on being a journalist,
Chasing and organising interviews was my life for over eight years,
People still say, “You have to interview Rob Rob”,
and they’re right.  I will!

I live for holidays with Mum or a friend,
Queensland is our favourite destination,
Because of my little brother and my little niece up there,
But going away with my Bestie is the best fun
He makes me forget about all of my health issues for a while.,
We get up to mischief!

Looking at me you wouldn’t know how I met a musician at one of his gigs,
I struck up Dutch courage and asked my carer to ask him over to our table,
We bonded immediately and for six years we were best mates,
We used to text everyday, sometimes he just wanted to say hi
or chat about things that made us laugh,
And even though he broke my heart in the end,
I don’t regret meeting him,
because he taught me that some people “Just see Jac”.