Being An Adult

.Reading time 4 minutes.

{please read this paragraph sarcastically} Everyone says to themselves when they were little, “I can’t wait to be an adult… I’m going to do this and this!” In my case it was “I’m going to become a journalist and have a family of my own and live independently!” Kiddies, adulthood sometimes doesn’t turn out to be what you wished for. In fact, adulthood sometimes sucks. So kiddies, stay kiddies! Adulthood is not what you think.

When I was little, I had a Cabbage Patch doll called Jeanette and I took her EVERYWHERE. I used to have a bag that Mum made for my communication board and Jeanette used to go in there with her head out of course so she could see everything. She became my baby and at a such an early age, I knew I wanted to be a Mum and believed I would have at least one child. Life hasn’t turned out that way, and this year I’m turning 41, so time has run out. (Unless I meet Mr Right tomorrow….only joking) being a mother won’t be on the cards, and like some women in a similar situation it makes me sad.

I have the upmost respect for mothers. Caring, nurturing and loving a tiny human is the hardest job in the world. As a woman you have the choice to terminate or adopt the child out if you think it’s the time to have a baby, and I respect that. I respect women who choose not to have children at all for whatever reason. I respect and have empathy for mothers whose babies are with them in spirit, you never ever stop being a mother. Step-Mothers are the greatest example of love. They choose to love and parent someone else’s child.

On this blog, I’ve often mentioned my Mum as she’s awesome, beautiful and the strongest woman us four kids know. She keeps on keeping on when times are tough. She loves her children and grandkids and will do anything for them. Thanks to Australia’s flu season this year I had five lots of antibiotics within two months. Finally my chest is clear, but now we’re dealing with something else. I wish I could send Mum on a long holiday with her best friend where they’d have the perfect view of the ocean and a continuous supply of wine! Instead she chooses to stay here, when she could be having a weekend away that us kids gave her for her birthday. Again, being an adult sometimes sucks.

My sister Danielle one Mother’s Day she gave me a little silver angel as she said I look out for the kiddies in our family. And I guess I’m a baby magnet. Whenever a baby or little person is around, my attention goes to them. Earlier this month, Mum and I flew to Queensland to meet the newest member of our family, little Elsie James Rogers from my baby brother and his lovely partner Pia. She was so tiny!

36425022_10156676768367932_5757080893495705600_n.jpg

On Tuesday Mum and I babysit Olivia who’s almost eight months. She’s just learnt to shake her head; it’s so funny to watch. Anyway Mum sat her in her chair on our table in front of me while Mum folded the laundry. I wondered if Olivia would copy me shaking my head. She did! It’s so funny to watch her shake her head, and so heart-warming.

Being A Fur Mum

.Reading time 4 minutes.

Ten days ago we adopted little Frankie from Melbourne’s Lost Dogs Home. One of my sisters Monique (aka Neaky) were going down to adopt ONE cat (but ended up getting two after seeing how this particular kitty had bonded with another kitten), and I had kinda chose another kitten for Mum, looking online.

When I spotted our little Frankie (his name was Franklin, but he’s definitely a Frankie) down the bottom row, in a box all alone, I pointed him out to Mum and the lady placed him on my chest. He soon snuggled in around my shoulders, under my chin and started purring non-stop! He’s got the loudest purr. Then gave me chin kisses with his nose. He did the same thing to one of my nephews Quinn, but to Quinnie’s ear. That was it, we adopted little Frankie! Later Mum said, “You knew!” I answered with a smile.

The previous night I chatted about adopting another cat because we have Shadie (our big black beautiful boy) who’s a Mummy’s boy! Mum spoils him with food as he doesn’t shut up when he’s hungry and Shadie was the man of the house. Poor Roxy (our beautifully-natured dog) came to us almost three years ago ago she hadn’t learned to play. She’s around 13 years-old and she loves company but also gets easily scared. Sometimes when she comes in Shadie chases her to Mum’s room whilst Roxy’s whimpering. Mum’s not a dog person but it turned out Roxy and I bonded. I call her “my girl” and Roxy has turned out to love Frankie, even tolerating Frankie to play with her tail and they give each other kisses. Meanwhile, Shadie is still hisses most times when he walks pass my door as Frankie’s in there. You see, Mum was clever and has put up some mesh in my doorway in the hope Shadie gets over his angst. Not yet! (We have the cap spray that’s supposed to chill your cat…maybe a little! So if you have any tricks to make a seven year-old panther to accept a kitten, e-mail me! (Side note: Shadie’s usually a smoochy, playful and maybe gay gorgeous boy, so he’s not usually a vicious type).

30784312_10156399577392650_1285527261_n

So ever since getting Frankie, he’s been sleeping with me. On the second night he actually climbed between my doona and sheets and slept there. I was so concerned that he would suffocate, I kept waking up to feel him move! I messaged Neaky the next day laughing at myself . Frankie does the sweetest thing sometimes, he curls up right beside my head and sleeps there for halfer,or goes on the other side of me under my arm just to feel my love.30073139_10211965657080390_5703708758926119257_o

I’m a proud part-time Mum of Roxy and Frankie, but still love and deeply care about Shadie. Hell, I was worried he would totally be stressed out by another cat still and am keeping n close eye on him. He’s just being a turd! Haha. I love being responsible of something so tiny though.

Judging and Misconceptions

.Reading time 2 minutes.

For a while I’ve been holding my tongue about we, as a collective society, are so quick to judge someone or groups of people for things they choose or have no choice over. We all look different, have different faiths or belong to a religion, living with illnesses which are either present or naked to the eye.

From what I’ve experienced with living with Cerebral Palsy and since my pain has become a daily thing is some people love to judge with what I’m doing with my life.  I’ve had to make decisions to stop doing things, and they weren’t easy decisions.  Some people may believe I’ve become slack because most days I sit in front of my computer, do a little bit of Facebook, chat to friends and family, listen to an audiobook and after lunch watch Netflix.  I wish my life was completely different at the moment.  I wish I could visit friends and family, but the truth is I don’t have the energy and most importantly I don’t wanna risk a nerve episode (aka pain). So I’m HAPPY with what I do, even though it’s nothing really.

People are so quick to judge these days.  Ultimately peoples’ lives are theirs and if they aren’t hurting you or causing you harm, leave them alone.  Life is a gift and people with disabilities or illnesses know this fully.

Looking For Positives

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Since my gorgeous niece Olivia was born on November 31th, my outlook on life has been altered. She has given me something to look forward to. Each cuddle, each smile and each chat (Aunty Jac is always a favourite for having baby chats with) have enlightened my heart with pure joy. I was able to hold her by myself when she was first born and that was pure bliss.24946074_10156208875292240_1618981512_o

 

About two weeks ago the men of the family demolished Nan’s shower. My sister Monique (Olivia’s Mum) was in the top room transferring “stuff” (for legal reasons I’m calling it “stuff”) onto Nan’s hard drive. Olivia was asleep in her pram beside me and I took great pleasure of keeping a watch over her. At one point, Olivia stirred so I gently put my hand on the edge of her pram and she grabbed my finger with her little fist. I thought “this is heaven”.

 

Many people look at people with severe physical disabilities and may automatically assume “you won’t enjoy watching us doing….because obviously you can’t physically do it.” What they don’t realise, just being included is enough! This year my goal is to take my older nieces and nephews to the park just a few doors down. That’s a huge thing because since my chair accident I don’t drive outside the house because of anxiety and pain.  BUT, I will do it! Watching them play and just being with them will be a huge honour and privilege.
 

 

New Possibilities

.Reading time 5 minutes.

I think when you become a certain age and if you’re finding what you love to do as a profession, you have to force to think “am I enjoying this still? ”

Last month I turned the big 4-0! I feel fortunate to be here. Forty years ago on the 10th of October I fought hard to stay here (or in other words, to be a pain in the arse for those who have made life even more challenging), so I am enjoying living as much as I can.

In year 9, my English teacher said how I would be great at journalism, so that’s what I dreamt and strived to be good at. Now after almost eight years of owning my creation, my baby Gigs ‘n Interviews and close to 250 interviews…I am at the crossroad because of different factors due to my health. I absolutely love meeting lovely people and artists and have made some friends along the way. However, each interview takes me two hours of research and writing up the questions, emails, sometimes catching up answers with agents and then six hours to write up features. That’s eight to ten hours for one interview.

Writing will always be my passion. Hell, yesterday I emailed Bryan Adams’ agent about an interview next year when he tours Australia next year. And I still dream of interviewing Ed K from LIVE and Rob Thomas. But lately I’ve trying to decide the most difficult decision that I know I have to make, but people who know me know how stubborn I am.

Yesterday I received the most beautiful feedback from the artist who I last interviewed, which made me second guess giving up Gigs ‘n Interviews. He said publicly…

            “Now I have done interviews, and then I’ve done truly meaningful interviews.

In initially corresponding with Jacqui James, I had no idea I was speaking with somebody using special eye-detection software to ask me questions. It was only that I learned Jacqui writes children’s books that my interest was sparked enough to learn more of who it was asking the questions.

 

Instead, I was blown out to learn of Jacqui’s strength in the face of adversity. I would say Jacqui faces challenges 99.5% of the population would never know, but that has never stopped her passion for writing, and importantly chasing her dreams. If that’s not inspirational I’m not sure what is.

 In starting this next chapter, I really want to get out of my comfort zone and get a brand-new perspective on things… the people I interact with is a large part of that and I’ve been really humbled by chatting with Jacqui.

 Thanks Again Jacqui!”

So, people like Skotty makes the decision of giving up Gigs ‘n Interviews sooo extremely difficult! If I keep doing Gigs ‘n Interviews, I think I will have to cut back even more, which would be hard for me because I’m a doer. On the hand, if I continue I’m voluntarily allowing myself to be exhausted and in pain after doing everything I have to do for a successful publication of an interview. One of my closest friends said how I have every right to do absolutely nothing due to my current situation. But it’s not within me to do nothing. Don’t get me wrong, on my bad days, I do what I need to do in the mornings, then after lunch I kick back and watch Netflix!

However, I am excited to think of doing my backup plan and that is do websites for people. After finishing Year 12, I took a short course in website design. From there I found the passion for making my own site with Dreamweaver, which I admit was challenging at first but with my good friend Jono on the other end of the internet, who’s a genius and owner of Proton Creative, I designed my first personal site. The fact I’m anal (thanks to Mum), I wouldn’t rest until everything was perfect. Then came WordPress! Jono and I learned as we went to setup Gigs ‘n Interviews.

Who knows what the future holds. I guess sometimes you have to let things go!

The Alien Stare

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I have been hesitant to write this post. This morning I ran it across my good friend and he was shocked to hear what I’m about to tell you.

Two weeks ago coming back from the doctors, Mum left me in the car, while she went into the chemist. My communication device needed to be physically tapped (the specialised software sometimes gets “stuck” behind a Windows program so someone has to press on the program on the task bar for myself to gain control with the eyegaze again, so I was trying to get my hand to touch the screen, which is difficult when you have luque rods in your back).

A mother and girl who looked around ten years-old (maybe even older) came to the car parked next to us. The girl looked at me as I was an alien and stared. I’m used to some kiddies doing this (I understand, they’re curious or it’s just what some kiddies do), but what the parent did was unexcusable! The parent looked at me with disgust.

So I stared back at the parent who continued to look at me. Once the girl was in the car, her gaze was fixed on me. Finally the parent instructed the girl to stop looking at me, but whilst reversing out, the parent continued to stare. I wasn’t well, so I just stared back with a little smile (while thinking two words).

I really hate the thought of children being teased for being a little bit different. My nephew was born with clubbed feet and one working lung. You wouldn’t know this looking at him because he does everything what other kids do! However, sadly he was bullied by older kids and hadn’t said anything until recently. This broke our hearts because Mum and I know how cruel kids are. Some bullying events stay for you forever. Luckily when my sister brought it to the Vice Principal’s attention, the situation was swiftly dealt with.

So if you are a parent or guardian of children of ANY age, please make time to sit down to have a chat with them. Explain how everyone has feelings and it’s not cool to stare and tease someone who looks different.

A Fortnight Of Goodness

.Reading time 4 minutes.

About two months ago my new wheelchair was approved by SWEP, which meant they had their allocated amount of $8,000 to go towards the total amount of $26,680! It was a day of mixed emotions. At that stage the outlook of finding the other $22,680 was very grim because all agencies are crying poor because of the NDIS coming into our region September 2018.

I must admit, the thought of sitting in this uncomfortable chair for another eighteen months to two years sent me into depression, although I hide it very well. I constantly remind myself “there’s always people worse off than you”. I chatted to our dear friend Andrew Brown who has a beautiful daughter who has just finished a year of cancer treatment (Go Hayley…you’re a superstar!) and we were talking about fundraising options to raise the $22,680. I couldn’t go through with it as I told him I had no right to whinge. He said I did because he knows how strong my Mum, sister and I are from a past tragedy. He said I deserve to be comfortable and knew how much I needed the chair to live my life without the fear of jolting my back. I still couldn’t bring myself to setup a crowdfunding page. It’s just not Mum and I.

Mum spoke to a kind woman at DHS explaining our situation. We didn’t really expect to get any money but the lady placed an internal request due to my pain issues and how much pain meds I’m on. She reassured Mum she would do her best.

On Friday, June 23, around 10am, Tony was here assisting me and Mum went out of my room taking a call. As soon she began speaking, I just knew by the way Mum’s voice crackled with emotion. Then I got emotional and excited. Luckily Tony knows me extremely well and we can communicate without my eyegaze system. I pointed to my commode chair then pointed to the bathroom where my wheelchair was. Tony guessed about my new wheelchair and hugged me as tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t believe it! I still can’t! DHS said the order was placed that day. So within three months I will be sitting comfortably in my new chair.

Earlier this year I approached Link Magazine about the piece I wrote regarding good and bad workers, I thought the more people in the disability field read something like my article, the more chance peoples’ attitudes might change. The editor asked if I would be interested in writing a piece about Cerebral Palsy instead for their June edition. I was a bit hesitant at first because in my mind Cerebral Palsy isn’t my disability; my neuropathic pain is. So I asked the editor if they wanted a fairy-floss story or a warts and all article. They wanted the second option. When I wrote it, I was in a bad place; my pain was out of control and I couldn’t see my new wheelchair coming anytime soon. However, to my surprise I have received lots of positive feedback from people reading my article.

I wish to thank my Mum who always fights for me in every aspect of my life! Without her, there wouldn’t be a new wheelchair and shower/commode chair (I’ve gained around 5-7kg’s since my surgery last August so I have to squeeze my hips into my commode which I’ve had for many years!)

Will

.Reading time 3 minutes.

Some days I feel like I can conquer the world! Some days I’m all go and do everything I want to achieve.  I remember when I was younger (before everything changed in 2000) thinking I want to walk the length of our then court. I thought “I can totally do it!”. I didn’t, of course but my will was so strong!

Today my Mum was getting her tattoos to celebrate being ten years cancer free! I was with my friend/worker at a shopping centre five minutes away walking distance. I knew it was cold outside, and walking to the tattooist would have bumps, would more than likely cause me pain tomorrow or the next day, but I thought “hell with it!”. So we walked to the tattooist to join one of my sisters to watch Mum getting her tattoos! Ten years ago Mum was brave when she told cancer to f*ck off twice, so some days I remind myself how tough she was and tell myself to “suck it up princess!”

There are some days when I can’t be brave at all. This is when I wake up in pain and my five to six cocktail of meds don’t touch the zapping pain much, until lunch I have an Endone or Panadine Forte because I like to do what I have to in the morning without being clouded (although since January I’ve been on a stronger dose of Lyrica so that’s affecting my mental capabilities which I absolutely hate but as Mum said it’s keeping me sane,) then after lunch I have an Endone and chill for the afternoon.

Chronic pain makes you feel not brave, and sometimes cowardly. Mum and I are planning a trip to the UK next year to travel around Scotland and Ireland (and maybe Italy). While this is very exciting and mind-blowing (as we will be standing on the same road as “Gerry” aka Gerald Butler in Ps. I Love You), on my bad days daunting as I know there will be much pain involved from the flight and beyond.

Some days (most days) I have the attitude “f#ck it” and plan things with caution. I often plan things with limitations, knowing there might be consequences to do the simplest acts. I often have ideas to write a piece or interview questions for artists or catch up with friends, but then remind myself I can’t due to the winter nights or the bumps in the taxi. This is when bravery escapes me and I hate the fact I need to think with caution. This has become my life now and I often wonder what it would be like to have my old life back. However, this is my life now so I’m going to live it!

Medical Cannabis

.Reading time 4 minutes.

When you depend on strong nerve and muscle relaxant medications to continue to live as comfortable as you can be, you constantly ask yourself “how did I become like this?”

Up until I was about 26, after four years of excruciating pain from an incident which caused nerve damage, soft tissue damage and a lower back injury I was referred to a lovely neurosurgeon who specialises in people with chronic pain, many with physical disabilities.

I’m still under his care and whenever we see him he says “Jacqueline, what am I going to do with you?” Haha. Like within most aspects of my life concerning my disability and now health, I’m constantly told I’m “one-of a-kind!” Yay for me! But there’s gotta be someone out there with Cerebral Palsy, with severe scoliosis and luque rods…plus nerve damage which causes chronic nerve pain 24/7. Right? I’ve googled and searched. Unlike myself who’s extremely lucky to have communication, there’s not many with this luxury.

Back to the medications, most days I can’t wait to be showered, dressed and get my hair dried, just so I can have breakfast so I can take my meds, so I can bare the pain. On my really bad days I can’t even stomach eating breaky because my stomach’s churning from the pain.

There’s been lots of debating about legalising medical cannabis. Unfortunately like Gay Marriage, Australia’s very slow at accepting cannabis (a herb!) as a medicine; a much needed medicine to ease a whole list of illnesses and diseases.

To me, something that reduces seizures in CHILDREN is a no-brainer! Something that may help cancer patients with pain management and helps them to feel like eating again SHOULD be available freely. Something that reduces pain, spasming and minimises the need for prescribed medications for people with chronic pain and/or disabilities should be available now. Instead the Federal Government are dragging their heels and it seems like their interest in this manner could be about financial gain.

Thank God for Daniel Andrews, the Victorian state minister who started the ball rolling earlier this year when he stopped loving parents who are giving their suffering children cannabis oil from being charged. This oil is completely safe and greatly improves their kiddies’ lives. I know parents who would do anything to see their child pain-free and/or to reduce their elliptic fits. I’m far from being a child (I’m 40 in October), but I know somedays Mum wishes she could help me control my pain better.

Last night we watched the awesome documentary on SBS called “The Truth About Medical Marijuana” where it showed how in Israel people with illnesses and chronic pain are prescribed individual doses for their specific needs. Their system works! Peoples’ illnesses and chronic pain are eased. Cancer patients’ nausea dissipate so they can eat! And the “Professor” of medical cannabis treatment has been doing this for twenty years! TWENTY YEARS!

So I really hope by writing this post Australia legalises medical cannabis ASAP! My medications have cost me having a colostomy and a constant foggy brain. More to the point, I don’t wanna think “this is it? I can’t pursue my dreams due to my pain?”

 

#dabporn #wasteittotasteit #lowtemp #puddlegang #wedontsmokethesame #topshelf #claritycounts #mmj #medicalmarijuana #terpenes #topshelflife #liveresin #cannabis #fueledbybho #thousanddollarsmoke #indica #sativa #globs #smokeweedeveryday #cbd #marijuana #weedporn #maryjane #weedculture #hightimes #weedstagram #weedstagram420 #rawlife #cannabiscommunity #cannabisculture

Spontaneity And Pain

.Reading time 3 minutes.

‌I gotta admit, this year hasn’t played out how I invisioned it. Sure, I’m still recovering from major surgery in August last year, and I’m still healing (probably for another six months, but in my head I knew that would be a twelve months recovery period.) However, this isn’t slowing me down… It’s my chronic nerve pain that’s interfering with our lives!

Last week after a very bad few weeks of Mr Zappy (I get zappy pain in my leg and foot, just imagine having fierce electric shocks every couple of minutes…. You get some respite from various painkillers but it only last 2-3hrs.) This has become my life this year. Some weeks, especially if Mr Zappy has hung around for weeks and weeks, I get very teary because I’m tired and just want the pain to fuck off!

Back to last week, my friend Francis and I were looking forward to seeing Logan on Friday night. Until the Thursday I had Mr Zappy but was determined to make it Friday night. Francis travelled to Fountain Gate (the closest cinema to me because travelling long or short distances, going over pot holes, speed-humps, braile bumps…you get the idea) can set off Mr Zappy. So Francis kindly did that for me – he “gets it”. So after we had dinner we went up to the cinema, Francis bought his normal – popcorn and a drink and we headed around to the ONE and ONLY lift to find out it was out of order and had been for two days. I was pissed, I’m still very pissed.

This week Mum and I sent an e-mail to Village Cinemas. They swear there was a pop-up last week warning people who clicked on the wheelchair seats about the lift. There was NO pop-up otherwise Mum wouldn’t have purchased the tickets!

In our letter we explained how people with many disabilities do not have any ‌spontaneity‌ as we have to organise workers or friends, transport and for some of us our health is extremely limiting. Earlier this year I had to stay home from my Aunty’s daughter’s 18th little get together because the next night we had Bruce Springsteen And E Street Band. Halfway through On Sunday Mum and I are seeing the gorgeous Adele at Etihad Stadium and I know I’ll probably have Mr Zappy for days after it, but I’m still looking forward to seeing Mum’s face when Adele sings her first note.