For those who have known me for the past nineteen years, I was living in a constant, vicious circle of pain and then fatigue, then the fatigue would cause pain and so on. All this was a result of trauma to my lower back. I won’t say how, but it was at no fault of my own. This experience left me with emotional fear which is still with me, after all these years.
However, after nineteen years since my back surgery in October, my thirst for life has returned. Although I have been unwell for the past few weeks, I still can think ahead (well a bit ahead). I can attend family events at night during the warmer months, I can go to concerts after a long day without suffering badly the day afterwards.
I have dreams that I won’t be able to fulfil still (mainly due to my age…haha… and fatigue), but I’m ok with that. I think Russell Brand or Bruce Springsteen (good old Russell… if he wasn’t married… I’d write something like “email me Russell!”) said, if you are contributing to society you’re doing your job… I think that’s what he or Bruce said in their Netflix’s specials. My memory is still crap from the drugs I’ve taken for years. By the way, the weening off these meds is fun… SAID NOBODY EVER! So sorry Russell and Bruce (Bruce is my idol; spiritually and for his work ethic) for not remembering who said what, but I inspire to be like those types of people.
I think I will carry my fears forever and will have panic attacks whenever I get into situations that trigger them. I have acknowledged their causes and understanding what I can do in that moment. It’s amazing, I still have the fight or flight instinct and luckily, I can calm down myself to turn on my chair and drive to where I feel safe in spite my disability. But I don’t have the constant reminder of my past life anymore. (By the way, if anyone tells you to just “let it go, move on”, they never will understand how you feel. OR, in other words, they need a punch in the face as one of my younger sisters says!)
My gorgeous nephews and nieces make living all worth it. My aim is to make it to each 21st, and as you can see we have two little bubby girls in the family now, so I will be hanging around for another twenty-one years!
Thanks for reading my ramblings this year! I wish you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and safe 2019!